


Nefarious Ideas

by WolfAndHound_Archivist



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, Marauders' Era, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 19:51:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5941051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfAndHound_Archivist/pseuds/WolfAndHound_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by a very funny episode of 'Friends'. Remus and Sirius get trapped on a frozen stair case in the middle of the night-- and the only way to get down results in...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nefarious Ideas

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Lassenia, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [Wolf and Hound](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Wolf_and_Hound), which was created to make stories posted to the Sirius_Black_and_Remus_Lupin Yahoo! mailing list easier to find. However, even though I still love the fandom, I am no longer active in it and do not have the time to maintain it. To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in December 2015. I posted an announcement with Open Doors, but we may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on the [Wolf and Hound collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/wolfandhound/profile).

"Sirius! I'm not going--we have class in the morning." Remus Lupin hissed at his best friend Sirius Black, whose endeavors to get him to the kitchens, was starting to achieve something.

Remus was currently attempting to finish his essay, on 'The Fundamentals of Fighting Flesh-Eating Flobberworms'. They'd been sitting in the library for the past hour, and Sirius had been begging to go get food for three-fourths of it.

"Come on, please? You've been working for an hour! Aren't you even the least bit hungry?" Sirius tried, putting on the puppy eyes, which Remus hid from behind a particularly dusty copy of 'Flobberworms of Every Kind'.

"Your charms won't work this time." Remus said calmly, but Sirius could hear the wavering confidence within his voice and grinned inwardly.

"I'd never use my charm on you Moony." Sirius said milking the nickname for all it was worth, Remus could never withstand Sirius' pleading voice when he said the affectionate nickname 'Moony'. Remus peered closer at the book, trying to hide from the dark blue eyes that were boring into his amber ones.

"Sirius..." Remus was breaking, and he knew it and Sirius knew it. "We really shouldn't, it's almost curfew and this is due tomorrow- -"

"We have History of Magic to work on it in! Binns won't notice a thing; he'll think your copying extra notes from the book..." Sirius suggested, trying not to pout.

"What do Flobberworms have to do with History of Magic?" Remus asked with a smirk, leaning over his parchment and scribbling a few sentences on it, while he waited for Sirius to go off on his mock offended rant.

"Flobberworms! Flesh-eating flobberworms have nothing to do with magical history?!" Here comes the rant, Remus thought amusedly. "They have everything to do with it! Did you know that flobberworms were a part of the first potion ever made by a Wizard?" Remus nodded, yes he did know that. "Did you know that flobberworms were what made Merlin himself famous in the beginning of his career?" Yes, Remus knew that as well. "And did you know that flobberworms are what makes Chocolate Frogs so chewy?" Remus choked and coughed--he did not know that.

"Sirius! That's disgusting what the--" Remus started to say, an appalled look on his face, but then he noticed the grin pulling at Sirius' lips and glared. "That was just--terrible of you." Remus griped, going back to his essay.

Sirius' amusement was short lived as he saw Remus' unwavering expression of determinedness as he wrote furiously on his parchment. Sirius knew instantly that if he ever wanted to get Remus out of the library and into the kitchens, he was going to have to buck-up and say he was sorry to his friend, because Remus had a thing about his chocolates that could get you in tremendous trouble if messed with.

"Remus, I'm sorry--you know I was just acting like a dolt...Hey! Wait a second...!" Sirius pulled the parchment out from under Remus' quill and a long scratch of ink made its way across it, and it was Remus' turn to be amused as Sirius read the last sentences of his Flobberworm essay.

'Padfoot is a dolt, Padfoot is a dunderhead, Padfoot is a lunatic, Padfoot has a funny arse...' Was written on the parchment in Remus' delicate script, but just a tad bit hurried, and not quite up to his usual standard, Sirius decided. Sirius then addressed the offending defamation.

"Since when was my arse funny?" Sirius asked, looking pointedly at Remus who immediately blushed fetchingly.

"It just came out..." Remus said uncomfortably, and the air grew awkward around the table as Remus and Sirius both realized they'd made a mistake in conversation topics.

"Well, in order to makeup for your offensive literature, I suggest we skedaddle on over to the kitchens." Sirius said swiftly, and Remus jumped at the offer to escape the embarrassment he'd been facing.

"You know, now that you mention it--I'm starved!" Remus said quite uncharacteristically gathering his books and shoving them in his bag.

"Now you're hungry..." Sirius groused quietly, as he waited patiently. Remus began to haul his bag up on his shoulder, but Sirius stopped him, "Just leave it, we'll get it in the morning. We need to move quickly since it's almost past curfew."

Remus nodded in silent agreement, dropping his bag under the table, and they slipped out of the library unnoticed by the few Ravenclaws who had lingered to get in some extra studying. Remus and Sirius shared identical mischievous grins that all the Marauders put on right before they broke a rule...or more.

As 10 O'clock came and went, the two grew highly cautious about the sounds they made and which hallways they took to get to the kitchens. Ever so often they would stop to argue good-naturedly (and quietly) over which route to take, and many times they wished for the Marauder's Map, but they made do.

They arrived at the kitchen's portrait, and Remus tickled the pear and he and Sirius clambered through quietly. Obviously, not quiet enough, because the house-elves swarmed around them, asking them question and thrusting food at them.

Remus just looked at Sirius, smiled nervously and declined the offers. Suddenly he felt very nervous, and a bit queasy. Remus scolded himself, and dismissed the thoughts, and took a seat on a stool, and Sirius followed suit and chewed on some fudge mints across from him.

It was eerily quiet between the normally rambunctious Marauders, and Remus finally took over the conversation, by telling Sirius about how the next full moon they could go to Hogsmeade and explore. Sirius agreed that it would be a good idea, and assured Remus that they'd had taken the right precautions to keep Moony in check.

Sirius finished up, and they said goodbye to the elves and snuck out, and Remus felt strangely apprehensive about the walk to the Gryffindor Tower. It wasn't as if he was afraid to get caught, he'd been caught out past curfew enough times, to not mind anymore...But in that past, it had been all four of the Marauders, in fact he and Sirius had never gone out past curfew alone.

Once again the thought nagged at Remus, Remus shrugged the thought off as well, following Sirius through the dark hallways, their shadows disappearing in the dimness.

They stuck close together......Remus' subconscious suggested, and once again he forced the thoughts away, and put a bit more distance between him and Sirius.

Things were silent, for the sake of not getting caught--but Remus was itching to say something to stop the silence, anything to rid him of these thoughts. Sirius was his friend and nothing more. Sirius had never once shown remote interest in Remus, but now, suddenly Remus just kept getting the vibe--that Sirius did like him.

They arrived to the staircases and began climbing them, up in circles, getting closer and closer to Gryffindor Tower, they were about to get step off the stair case that took them to the landing of where their Common Room would be, but the stair case suddenly jerked and took off across the way.

Both boys cursed at their misfortune, now they were going to have to go the long way--or so they'd thought. In the middle of changing, the staircase ceased to move, it just stood still in one place--with out anyway to step off the stair case--that was currently in midair.

"What the--?" Sirius said, peering over the left side of the staircase.

"I've never heard of this happening before." Remus griped, now the two Marauders were surely in for a detention, once a Professor or Filch caught them adrift in the middle of all the staircases. It might as well have been a stranded island, at least then they wouldn't have an angry Filch to deal with...

"What are we going to do?" Sirius asked no one in particular, but Remus answered.

"Sit here and wait, I guess." Remus said simply, going to the lowest stair and glancing down. He felt his stomach churn as he saw just how high up they really were. He'd never paid much attention to it before, he'd just used the stairs without a care--taking for granted that they actually worked properly--and not noticed the fact that the stairs were several stories high, and it was quite easy to jump to your doom.

Remus felt a bout of dizziness hit him, and leaned just a little too far over the edge, and that sick feeling came over him, just like it did when you woke up in the middle of the night from almost falling out of bed. His heart gave a heavy thud, and his eyes squinted shut and he flung his arms out to balance himself, but it proved needless as Sirius had already grabbed a hold of him and tugged him back-- hard.

A bit too hard, for quickly Remus felt himself falling in the opposite direction and landing promptly in Sirius' lap. His face lit up with embarrassment, as he felt just exactly where he had come into contact with Sirius, and he leapt up so fast from the other boy he almost lost his balance again, and the two were quickly caught in a directionless flurry of arms and legs as they tried desperately to right themselves and each other without falling to their deaths.

In the end, Remus found that he now had Sirius in his lap and they were hugging one another tightly and were just a scarce few inches from the edge. Their hearts pounding, they released their death grips on one another and scooted back painstakingly slow from the edge and finally made it to a safe distance away from it.

Eyes wide, the pair jumped apart and separated their last entangled parts hurriedly and stared at one another from opposite sides of the width of the staircase. Remus and Sirius were both blushing so much that they dared not look the other in the eye, and Remus had fixed his gaze on the hems of his frayed robes and Sirius was staring intently at the portraits around them, who were laughing with glee at their predicament. No doubt the best entertainment the paintings had had in years.

Remus was shocked to find he was breathing hard, and was a bit on the...Erm...excited side. And he felt his face burn a brilliant red color, and hoped Sirius didn't notice anything.

Sirius did notice something, but it certainly wasn't Remus' state, but his own. To cover up his own embarrassment, Sirius just blurted out the first thing that came to his mind. "Let's climb down." He said, and instantly regretted it, when he saw the look on Remus' face.

It was a mix between confusion and disbelief. "What?" Remus asked, his amber eyes glowing and making his cheeks look even rosier, and Sirius couldn't believe how nice Remus looked when he was blushing. Sirius scooted, over to Remus' feet, making sure to cover up his situation, and looked at Remus putting on his best convincing face.

"I mean it! We can get down--I noticed there is a staircase directly below this one and we could just magic one another down there--" Sirius began to explain, but Remus stopped him, shaking his head.

"That won't work, we could end up propelling each other the wrong way- -or sending one of us to the wrong stair case..." Remus told him, with a sigh. "We should just wait for a Professor to find us--or Filch." Remus grimaced as he said the words.

"Remus, do you really want to wait that long? It could be until morning--just you and me on this staircase!" Sirius said hastily, and regretted it as soon as the words left his mouth, and he and Remus' cheeks flamed up again as a few somewhat unwanted images entered their minds on exactly what they could do until morning on the staircase... "We'll climb then--"

"Climbing down sounds great." Remus said swiftly, ...Remus thought to himself. "How do you suppose we do it?" Remus cringed at his choice of words, but shook it off, and listened to Sirius' idea.

"One of us grabs a hold of the first staircase--a good grasp, mind you--and the other climbs down him..." Sirius blushed at how insane his idea was. "I know you'll probably never--" Agree to it, Sirius was going to say, but Remus was nodding along encouragingly, standing up and going to the top of the stairs where the next set of stairs was directly below--15 feet as best. "Erm---Anyway, the person who holds onto the step can just...be caught by the one who climbed down him."

It was going to be awkward, Remus and Sirius both knew--but neither could deny that they secretly liked the idea.

"Since I'm the one with the--lupine strength, I guess you can climb down me." Remus said uncertainly. "Just be careful climbing down--and jumping off. It's still a long ways--even if you're lowered a bit from my height..." Remus rambled nervously, worried he might not be able to keep his grip, and then he and Sirius would fall and break their necks...

"I'll help you get a good hold and lower you down so you can get a grip on the step." Sirius offered, and he and Remus proceeded to do several awkward movements, which ended with Sirius holding on tightly to Remus' shirt collar while Remus was dangling off the edge of the stair by two hands.

"Okay, go on Sirius. I'm ready. This is as good as my grip will get, and I don't want my hands to get sweaty..." Remus told him, looking up at Sirius through his sandy brown hair that was getting in his face from the angle he was.

"Erm...Shall I go down front to front or--butt to front?" Sirius asked horrified at what he'd just said, but unable to take it back. Remus swung his legs a bit uncomfortably, recalling the problem he had on his front. A part of Remus countered. Remus growled softly and called up to Sirius. "If you can do it, front to front seems best."

"Right, right." Sirius said, as he sat down and put his legs to either side of Remus' head, and gently put his weight on Remus' shoulders. "Is this okay? You holding up?"

Oh I'm up alright, Remus grumbled silently. "Yeah that's fine. Go on ahead--climb down me."

Sirius bit his lip nervously and bracing himself on the step, he put the back of his knees on Remus' shoulder and pulled his legs together to get a good clutch on him, and prayed Remus didn't notice something amiss...

Remus felt relief rush through him as he caught sight of Sirius' similar predicament, to his own, and was glad it wasn't just him affected by the closeness. Remus tried not to inhale Sirius' scent as best he could, and tried not to think of anything sexual as Sirius clasped onto him in probably one of the most awkward situations they'd ever been in and ever would be in.

"Sirius, if we ever live through this, I'm going to kill you!" Remus yelped as Sirius slid down him uncomfortably and found Sirius grabbing onto him around the waist by the legs, his arms around his neck. Remus was more humiliated then angry, and begged that Sirius never mentioned this night again...

"We'll live through it, we'll live through it." Sirius chanted as he and Remus came in contact with parts of each other--they really hadn't before.

Remus let out a low groan, and heard Sirius echo in a similar sound with a heavy whoosh of air on his neck. "S--Sirius, I think you'd better hurry up. It's pretty safe no matter where you land on the staircase." Remus told him in a rush, trying not to make any sudden movements, his whole entire body was rigid, and the only movements he made were caused by Sirius...

"O-okay." Sirius squeaked rather contrasting to his typical self. Remus found himself getting a good whiff of the obsidian hair, and it almost made him have to...sneeze.

"Achoo!" Remus sneezed powerfully, making Sirius slide down faster so that Sirius was now in line with a rather intimate part of Sirius-- face to face.

"Well, this is one kind of face I never thought I'd see of you!" Sirius said, and Remus could feel Sirius' breath all the way through his clothing, and he squirmed and made Sirius' slide faster.

"Hurry it up Sirius! I may be strong, but sweet Merlin is this difficult to handle!" Remus said shakily, as he felt Sirius slide against him.

Sirius at last was just clasping onto Remus' feet, and Remus accidentally wiggled them a bit and Sirius slipped off them and there was a rather loud thud and an "Owww," as Sirius landed.

"You okay Sirius?" Remus called down, and heard Sirius' muffled reply.

"Yeah, but I think I broke my bum bone."

"You better hurry up and fix it, because you're going to have to catch me!" Remus yelled, as he felt his sweaty hands starting to slip.

"Okay, okay!" Remus strained to hear Sirius' shuffling below him, and then Sirius shouted back up, "Right! I'm ready! Let go!" Remus took a deep breath, and braced himself for the impact.

Remus slowly let go, and within seconds made contact with a rather lumpy cushion. "Ah, that wasn't so bad."

"No wonder, you landed on my gut!" Sirius complained, not bothering to shove Remus off anyway.

"Sorry 'bout that." Remus said sincerely as he, adjusted where he was sitting so he wouldn't have to feel...certain parts of Sirius. "Let's get to the dorm; I'm dead tired after holding your heavy arse up for so long!"

"Earlier my arse was funny!" Sirius whined, shoving Remus carelessly off him, and they stumbled their way up right, and scrambled up the stairs. Remus chuckled to himself, and let out a long sigh of relief...or disappointment?

"Your arse is funny--but it's heavy too." Remus said nonchalantly, and Sirius looked indignant, but the look disappeared instantly as he stood, with his mouth gaping open--staring at something in disbelief.

Remus turned to see what Sirius was looking at himself, and felt laughter bubbling up inside him--the staircase had gone back to its original place...If the two impatient boys had only waited a while longer, they wouldn't have had to have bothered with the climbing and the touching...

Then again, maybe the impatient--and vaguely nefarious way--wasn't all bad, Remus thought pleasantly; giving Sirius a kick in the arse to hurry him along to the Common Room.

~+~


End file.
